Super Bowl XLIV Storylines
January 26, 2010
Home | Archives | Contact

 

You’ve all heard the main storylines from the Super Bowl: the renaissance of New Orleans, Peyton Manning playing against his dad’s old team, the fact that Sean Payton looks like a little kid with old-person makeup on, but there are plenty of storylines that haven’t been reported. Here are some facts, connections, and storylines to think about while you’re watching the big game.

  • Peyton Manning once ate gumbo at this restaurant in New Orleans and then got sick from it and threw up in a hooker’s lap. That same hooker recently had sex with Darren Sharper’s brother-in-law.
  • Reggie Wayne was personally responsible for the devastation of Hurricane Katrina after he got drunk and rammed his Hummer into a levy over and over again, believing it to be his ex-girlfriend’s house.
  • Reggie Bush promised his girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, that he’d buy her a ring if they won the Super Bowl. He also promised he’d dump her and start banging her sister if they lost. So that’s something to watch for.
  • The Colts could bring back Marvin Harrison as some sort of honorary captain. He had a great career with them and really doesn’t shoot people as often as is portrayed in the media.
  • I once met Archie Manning in New York coming out of the studio where they filmed Cold Pizza. Seemed like a nice enough guy.
  • Jim Caldwell can be the third black coach in four years to win a Super Bowl! Suck it, whitey! Now who’s the superior race?
  • The Saints’ Jabari Greer and Jahri Evans and the Colts’ Keyunta Dawson and Fili Moala all have stupid names.
  • Sean Payton is an avid wearer of visors and Peyton Manning probably has done some ads for visors.
  • The Colts have announced that they, too, will play for New Orleans. Checkmate! Try rooting against someone who’s playing for you, assholes!
  • Will Eli Manning root for his brother, Peyton, or will he stay loyal to his conference and root for Peyton to suffer a career-ending injury?
  • If the Saints win, it’s possible Bobby Jindal may have to go on TV again and speak. This would be more entertaining than all 44 Super Bowls combined.