resilience.”

Varejao says that drinking before games helps him relax.

“I get nervous before games and 12 or 13 beers usually helps calm my nerves,” Varjeao says. “Then at halftime I pound a few more just to freshen up. As a result, my game is a little…unrefined. But it works for me. I get a lot of rebounds, and I can flop violently without feeling a thing.”

In Sunday’s game against the Celtics, Varejao fell down while checking into the game, knocked himself unconscious when he dove for a loose ball and slammed into Kendrick Perkins’ knee, and accidentally flopped to the floor when a referee bumped into him. He also scored 13 points and grabbed 16 rebounds.

“I consider that a great game for me,” he said. “I created a lot of havoc out there. And how about all those rebounds? I even got a rebound off a teammates’ missed free throw. It was amazing. Also, the Celtics can't jump anymore.”

Coach Mike Brown said he’s not surprised that his forward plays drunk and has always suspected Varejao was under the influence of some kind of substance.

“I’m not surprised at all that he plays drunk,” said head coach Mike Brown. “I always assumed he was high on something or other. I think if he was sober he would be a less effective player because sober people tend to have dignity and boundaries.”

In a statement, the NBA said they would not suspend Varejao on the grounds that every player in the NBA is high on something when they play.